daphne loves derby - sundays

"Can't believe the calmness in your bones after everything. And when she dreams, she sees herself in her Sunday dress humming simple melodies she's known since she was only three ... "

i heart jay chou. & cal.

,It's almost 8am, I have not slept, and I have a fat headache, though I am totally unaware as to how this is possible. I am still behind on a day's worth of sleep, but I hope to catch up on it after my last final on Friday. With that being said, I just wanted to write a little bit about my first semester here at Cal.

First off, I cannot believe it's almost over. Time passed by faster than I thought it would, and yet, so many things have been able to fit itself into that time span. I have met numerous people throughout this semester, a majority from Dwinelle session, SASC, & REACH!, three amazing activities that I made the decision to be a part of. I love everything about it.

Finding a new form of dance to partake in has not only improved my physical health, but also my spiritual self in the sense that any type of dance keeps my spirit in the ups; it is music translated through the body, and what can be a better way of expressing love for music?

SASC has taught me a lot about my own culture and the Southeast Asian community. Having knowledge of Southeast Asian history bestowed on me has taught me a lot about my family as well as myself. It is a contribution to my identity. And as they have said, "No history, no self. Know history, know self." I'm not saying that this organization has helped me find me, but it is definitely another light that has turned on in order to help guide my way through the dark roads.

Being a part of REACH! has only furthered my thoughts of becoming a high school English teacher. I have never been so empowered and motivated to be an educator in my future. I guess you can say that the more I'm exposed to different ideas, thoughts, knowledge, and information on education, the more I want to learn.

And that's the best part of Cal. I know that I have always had this keen love for learning about anything and everything, because life and every single thing it has to offer is just so fascinating. The feeling of learning new things is like a whole bunch of mini adrenaline rushes that trickles down my spine, then back up until that feeling reaches my brain and makes me THINK. The beauty in breaking things down. I can't explain it. I just can't.

And I can't say my classes this semester have been amazing, but I did come across some mind-provoking poems that I have fallen in love with. I have also been exposed to a great deal about Mexico, Guatemala, Haiti, and Cuba, a few neighboring countries South of the US. The leftest views my Southern Border professor holds does impact the way I think of America itself. And my Tupac class only furthers my new focal perception of America. I do hope that next semester will hold more intriguing lectures and discussions in class as I have carefully selected my professors this time. School will be more hectic as I am taking more units and I will also be working/tutoring at International Community School in Oakland for BUILD. On top of that is my hope to get better at bgirling and an opportunity to become more involved with SASC and REACH!.

I have many more thoughts. I wish I could sort them out properly so it wouldn't feel so jumbled like fallen jenga blocks. But I'll leave it with one more thing. I am so grateful for having Tran Ngoc Ha up at Cal with me. If it weren't for her, I don't think I could have survived up here; she was one of my biggest support systems when I moved into my new place, and she is still right by me. We text each other almost everyday, see each other every weekend, and somehow manage to not get tired of each other's presence. We even see each other when we're back in San Jose! What the ...?! And the most recent thing that she has witnessed from me is something she's been waiting on for the past seven years. And I'm happy that she's happy for me. If it weren't for her, I would have found a reason to run away from what is now another thing (or rather, person) I am starting to be absolutely grateful for. If I were to define a true friend in a dictionary, she'd be a part of the sample sentence.(: This girl has made my first semester experience at Cal even greater than it already is. I should have written this during Thanksgiving. HAHAHAH but okay, that's all.

Have a wonderful Winter Break everyone. Keep yourself warm and stay safe.<3

This is Tim. He was made with lots of love.(:

love is patient, love is kind

this is a blog.

This is a blog about feeling stressed out of one's mind because finals are almost here. It is a blog full of anxiety that's sure to hit within the next three days, a blog of hyperventilations and brain malfunctions.

This is a blog about the fear of what's about to happen next. It's about not knowing what's ahead. It's about a dark path with no light to guide the way, a blog of insecurities that never seemed to be present until now.

This is a blog about heartaches, a blog that represents the last twenty years of breaking hearts and having one's heart broken, from the first crush in elementary school to one-guy-a-season dating at the start of college. It is a blog that holds no love for love never came, never been felt, never existed.

This is a blog about finding God. It is about looking for something to believe in, about having hope, about faith. It is about holding on when holding on seems like the last thing one wants to do.

This is a blog about questions without answers, about things that can only be thought of at four in the morning as one is laying down next to the fast asleep companion, tired, but can't sleep because there's too many unexplainable thoughts flowing through and the hesitation to speak of it.

This is a blog about the realization that one's emotions have been sustained from society. It is all about the inability to rip out one's scared and sacred heart, throw it to the ground, and show it to the world saying "Take me as I am. Please" because it is too painful, because too much time has been spent being numbed, staying numbed.

This is a blog about hardly ever crying because of that numbness. This blog speaks of the tears that have already shed, the tears that can never be revealed.

This is a blog about knowing that someone is there, but suddenly feeling all alone.

This is a blog.