indie

I was in total oblivion to the hint you were making upon finding out the Stars CD's you spent a whole night searching for, burning, and bringing to my lit up smile and shriek. Total oblivion to the simple compliments that slid between my rush from class to class and your sleepiness. It never occurred to me that this is what nice guys do. Little things. Waiting patiently for that sight of happiness in her eyes. That's all they would want in the girl who was full of love. Love she never even knew existed.

home sweet home

You were laughing with a hand hoovered over your mouth. I could barely notice the beautiful smile you had beneath it, but despite of that, I didn't mind. The way you spoke, a slur in your speech because you were intoxicated by that fourth Bud Light I witnessed you drinking, made me smile each time. It didn't matter that I was out late tonight, so I stayed and waited for you to find your way home. A conversation that was never supposed to last until sunrise, yet it did. We spoke of being lost in our memories, how fucked up we've become, and how neither of us knew where we were going or what we were doing at that very moment, but despite of that, I didn't mind. The next day, as I drove us to dinner, you mentioned a chip in your tooth along with a story as to why. I couldn't help but smile, thus once more, because now I understood why you made such self-conscious gestures. The things I learned about you within twenty-four hours, and the things that I didn't mind. Perhaps you had found home in me that night as I did in you. But in the end, I guess it wasn't the home sweet home you were looking for.

rooftops

Almost a year ago, I was sitting on a ledge in one of Berkeley's rooftops, and his arms were wrapped around me. Slightly buzzed, but slightly infatuated. Smiles that could radiate the dark night filled with light rain and unpredictable futures. And warmth. Not just our bodies, but within our hearts. The beginning of something that still has me saying quietly to myself, "And again, I still don't know how I managed to stumble across someone like you ..." <3

ni fa ru xue

What an awfully productive weekend (minus the school work).
Went to Temple SF on Friday.
Downtown SJ Saturday.
Family time & CAPAW Sunday.
The beginning of a wonderful book: Persuasion by Jane Austen
Too bad I have hella work to do this week, though.
drama, drama, drama.
Just got back into Jay Chou.
This was the first song that got me listening.




Dinner with Diana at Thai Noodle last Wednesday. nommy.


Flower Tina gave me at CAPAW (I put it in my Grey Goose bottle hahah)

jaded.

I made a list of 10 random things I do that make me happy.
1. knowing that I am a strong, beautiful, and independent womyn
2. drawing a piece of art
3. decorating my room
4. having a clean room! and kitchen. and bathroom.
5. writing love stories
6. writing poetry
7. outreaching to youth about higher education
8. DANCING
9. getting a good grade on papers, exams, etc.
10. affirming myself for the things I do

After I was done making this list, I realized there were so many other things that I hadn't put on it. I won't add to it. I just know that I am the cause of my own happiness through the things I do. Now I just need to actually do those things. oh, and I need to go see a doctor in regards to all my health problems... hahah

Writing my argument/analysis draft. oh boy oh boy. I despise writing these days.

deactivated facebook = active blogspot

Withdrawals...

So I came up with this theory (I think that's what you would call it); if I can go to all my meetings, why can't I go to all my classes, right? Therefore, my new rule is this: if I don't go to my classes, then I won't allow myself to go to meetings. If I don't go to meetings, people will get mad at me. If people get mad at me, I won't feel great. If I don't feel great, I won't go to my classes. See where I'm getting at?

Anyway, my facebook will be gone for awhile. A week, maybe two. I know barely anyone reads my blogs; that's why I'm still using it while I'm on a mini let-me-be-connected-to-people hiatus. I should give up youtube too, but there's too much good music on there ...

two things i want for my birthday

peace of mind.
and the truth before it's too late.

let's fly.

Going through Andy/A-game's (almost) 6gb of music that was embedded into my external hard drive. so far, so, so good.

Life's been full of dramatic breakdowns for me... I went on a two hour drive earlier just to calm my nerves, but in result, I now have less time to study. I'm at a point in my life in which I would have never pictured myself. And no, this is not a good implication either. I've lost the meaning to strong and independent. Self-loving and unconditional giving. I guess I never saw it coming. I feel like I went all in, but the poker hand wasn't good enough. And then I decided to gamble with time, resulting in a loss of chips I didn't even have. I'm so in debt. I need to pay it all back before I can start moving again ... but what if I don't want to move?

On a much lighter note, there are some wonderful and beautiful people in my life; and one of those people is Miss Diana Chandara. And it's not the same without the lovely Lena(r) Tran, but SASCerade was quite a night.

close your eyes.

For once, I am actually up with intentions of finishing some of my work before class. Just sitting in bed, a grande soy green tea frappuccino to keep me company while I'm at it. I also think I'm getting sick. I also don't know why all of this really matters. Maybe I'll look back on this years from now and remember the day? Because who knows what this day will persist of. All I know is that I'm tired, I could use a nap, and there's a paper waiting to be written...

Anyway, I know I rarely get anyone reading this thing (whether or not I should care, I don't know), but I know for an absolute fact that I have to post this video; it has been on repeat for days on end. I have never been this crazed by a youtube "cover." Perhaps it's because the song was changed to be instrumental? *shrugs, it's just that good.(:

rachael yamagata on rainy days.

&manyotherartistswhohelpmebreathe.

& a quote I found quite beautiful from Victor Nguyen's AIM status:
"Even after all this time, the sun never says to the earth, 'You owe me.' Look what happens with a love like that, it lights the whole sky"

light years away.

"it's almost like you had it planned. it's like you smiled and shook my hand, and said, 'hey, i'm about to screw you over big time.' and what was i suppose to do?"

social + academic + love = failure

I don't go out on weekends anymore.
I'm failing all my classes.
& I suck at love.

closer.

"Everyday I get a little closer, dear. Will you love me, darling, when I get there? I'll need sunshine, I'll need rest. Pour us whiskey, water, kiss ..."

polaris.

study break.
charcoal.
while listening to jimmy eat world.
more time next time? *sigh

random thought as i proceed to procrastinate.

I could've stopped you from that pill, baby
But you turned me away so down it now, down it now
Swallow the sensation in nocturnal's time
And find kairos in your mind

Bloom your own world of light shows
Find your form of ecstacy in static
Speed up the time and slow down the feel
'Cause this electric carnival can last forever, baby

The day after you're gasping for air
Your breaths become fire and you wish you hadn't
It'll be over when someone saves you
Just know it won't be me

So burn, baby, burn
Another one to keep your head spinning in flames
But know that in twenty years
The flower will wither in the cold winter snow

And I will stand here with my head shaking
You will see that smirk on my face
And in my forever flowing thoughts
I will remember how I had slowly let you die.

here in your arms.

"you are the one, the one who lies close to me. whispers hello, i miss you quite terribly."
An old (favorite) song turned into an acoustic cover? Oh boy, gonna learn this on the guitar. and possibly sing to it too.(:

dear frankie ...

I recently wondered why I never wrote you a letter the way I do with friends from afar. I bite my lip thinking about how I will never get the chance to write a letter in which you can read. I like writing, you know? I like sharing my thoughts and ideas, and to have you read them ... it would've been wonderful ...

When I found out, I was sitting in the middle of a meeting, holding back my shock and tears, trying to absorb and compose myself so no one would know my heart was breaking. Drug overdose? Not possible, you didn't do that kind of stuff. Suicide? You loved and breathe in your life to such great measures that you wouldn't do such a thing. Car accident ... drunk driving? That was probably it, but I know you couldn't have been the drunk driver.

And I was right. I rushed home, memories flowing through my head, all those times at downtown Disney, at the Block ... shit. What happened? I got home, got the phone call, and cried. I began to think of all those times I had been in So Cal, and all those times I never bothered to hit you up to see how you were doing. To go have dinner with you and your girlfriend. I don't know. Anything.

I remember when you threw gold fishes at me while we walked to get Boba Joe's, and then I ended up running into them. You weirdo. It makes me smile thinking about that. You were one of Betty's closest friends, and for that significant amount of time, you became one of mine.

Then there was the time we went to Downtown Disney together; we walked through the stores, playing with all the stuffed plushies. I still have the pictures Betty took. I can't stop looking at them now ...

I also remember the time when we met up after so long and you bought me a rose that your girlfriend wanted to give me and a bag of gold fishes. And later we all watched Batman Begins together. You and I threw popcorn at the rest of them. How can I ever forgot that, you know?

And I almost burst into tears when I was looking at the old pictures that I posted on Facebook the other day. You commented it saying "I want that shark =P" That was the last thing you ever "said" to me, and stupid Facebook never sent me a notification for that. It's okay ... I'll be visiting you in November when I go down there, and I'll get you a shark.(:

Damn Frankie, you are one of the most kind-hearted people I've ever met in my life. Since the first time, you never failed to radiate the world with your smile, energy, and beauty. I never noticed it then, because I never really understood it. All I knew was that you were fun and easy to be around. I felt a sense of comfort and ease whenever I hung out with you. Even if it had been months since I saw you, you were still the exact same Frankie. Just because I hadn't seen you for so and so, didn't mean you were going to be a stranger. Ever. I look back now, and I see everything that you are and how much you've touched my heart. I hope to meet more people like you in my life, who is just as kind-hearted and full of positivity and light, but of course, know that you can never ever be replaced. Smile down on me on the bad days, and I promise you I will try to do the same. I love you, buddy.

"Death ends a life, not a relationship." -Tuesdays With Morrie

mr. j. medeiros - her wings

Absolutely beautiful, the type that make you feel unsuitable
She's uncommon, ain't nothing about her usual
If you'd known her before the transition
You'd be amazed by the changed man, listen
She used to go from this one to that one
To feel complete, she looked for men to make it happen
Until she started askin'
If all things in this world should pass
Show me something that's everlastin'
That's when she met true love, not the word but the action
Taking her way back when she was Eve in the garden of Eden
Before the apple was eaten
Before she used to be the Queen of Clubs
Now it seems she's a wild card, born again, child of God
With a style a little odd for any normal man to marry
But she fits in just fine with the revolutionaries

Out of the gates to the wild blue
Sky's too great, she gotta escape, fly through
With a smile too, kinda remind you
You gotta look ahead and not behind you
She said staring at the sun won't blind you
It's just a lie used by the world to confine you
But I know a place they won't find you
And if you believe, you can fly like I do...

i'm good. i'm gone.

no more make up.
no more drinking.
no more parties.
no more boys.
no more boys.

no more boys.

just dance, reach!, sasc, school, family, and friends.
youth is wasted on the young.
but i won't let it be wasted on me anymore.

all of this.

School starts today, but since I don't have class on Thursdays, school starts tomorrow for me. whoot whooooot.(: So, I'm just sitting in Tap Ex, working on my schedule for this semester and creating my planner for the year with a composition book. It's quite sexy. Tonight, sessioning again after 1 1/2 weeks. Gonna try to get those handstands.

I wish I had more interesting things to blog about, but I don't. REACH! core retreat was the business; it wasn't as intense as I thought it would be, so thank goodness for that. Looks like it's going to be a good year with core team (I hope I didn't speak too soon). Now for SASComm ...

Introduced to me by Henry Nguyen. The Naked and Famous. Love it.



"In the time it took to get this back, I could've made this work but all I had was the hope that pieces would take shape, and we could watch them all fall into place ..."

with you.

My heart speaks freely and truly.

letter from inside.

"Take care yourself and your family also, smile everyday to let the world to see that their is happiness in this crazy world we had now. God bless you/your family always..."

I didn't get a chance to blog about this, but last week, I got my first letter from my person inside, Alladin. He wrote something in the letter at the end that really brightened my day. Thought I'd share it because I believe everyone needs to be reminded of this magnificent power we have (excuse his grammatical errors).

jackson square in oakland.

Went to Jackson Square yesterday for an all-styles jam. Had an amazing time watching and cyphering and just freeing myself. I was close to entering the jam with Sampson, but after long moments of hesitation, it didn't happen. Here's some pictures I took with Francis' camera (Nyla) though. Can't wait to get a camera of my own...

soul liberation.

listening to brown skin lady by black star. ahhh bliss.

What in the world do you mean Emily? What in the worlddddd (duh duh duh duh lol). Perhaps it's releasing my soul when I dance, capturing every beat of music, and releasing every knot of stress. Perhaps it's even more. When I talk about liberating my soul, I'm talking about feeling a sense of freedom with any and every activity I do. I want the sense of freedom when I'm surfing the internet, when I sing along to old school songs, even when I'm writing a paper for class. This is the type of liberation I want. I'm on the verge of something that is about to burst out with positivity. It's beautiful. It makes me alive.

sleep on the floor, dream about me.

The more I pay attention during mass, the more I realize how much my life revolves around the practice of giving and loving ... it's a hard thing to do and I'm still learning.

I just want to work hard, play hard, and sleep without thinking.

the drain days

First off, weather's been all over the place. One day it's color TV, and the next, it's a black and white movie outside. It's like a reflection of how my heart feels though...

Work and school has been taking up the majority of my weekdays. And sometimes I just procrastinate ... perhaps that is why I never have time to go to Dwinelle sesh. *sigh I love work though. Being around my students at Berkeley High School gives me a hunch as to how it's going to be like in the future when I actually become an educator/teacher! hahah

I got my netbook. It's been treating me so well.(:
I also switched rooms with Johnny because of the parentals. Despite how much I miss my bat cave, I do like having a ridiculously huge full size bed. I put it together on my own, too!
Went home last weekend to SJ. Lots of sleep and ran into lots of friends at Chris Truong's. It was quite relaxing. I hung out with the pups a lot; Timmy is so adorable when he tries to dig himself into a cozy spot.

postsecret

there are many things i'm uncertain about.

but my feelings for you are not one of them.
I was told a few weeks ago upon asking the question, "Why do you love her?" He answered, "I love her because ... she's home. And I just want to go home."
He couldn't have put it any other way.

My second laptop charger is broken. I had to order another one.
I have so much shit coming up. I'm excited, but scared.
SASC SI was epic. I couldn't have asked for anything better.

And lastly, I miss him. I really, really miss him.

who wants to shoot me?

ohmy.
I cannot stand being at home in San Jose for the parentals are killing me. I was looking through Session B for summer classes so that I could have an excuse for going back to Berkeley and staying there, but sadly, I could not find a class that fits my needs. Nonetheless, I came up with a notorious idea upon finding out that 6 units is required for summer financial aid; all I had to do was pick a second class, tell the parentals I did it to try and waive my summer fees, and let them know I start that class next week (although it really starts in July ... yeah, I'm a badass).

I've been out almost every night (but coming home a respectable hour) to catch up with friends and such. My parents believe I am a bad child and irresponsible for such manners. Well DEAR MOM AND DAD, IT'S SUMMER. LET ME BREATHE!!! I swear, they are suffocating me with all of this. I love them to death, but the more they act out on me with irrationality, the more likely I will get flustered and give them an attitude. And I hate giving them an attitude because I end up just feeling plain guilty 'cause in truth, I love them. Jeez, they just love driving their children away ...

Aside from that, I guess you can say life is beautiful, and I've packed up my summer with plenty of plans. I seriously cannot wait until things start taking its toll. For now, it's the beautiful piano sitting at home waiting to be played and a drawing pad waiting to be purchased. Oh right, and doctor appointments and car checks, etc. The usual stuff. I actually wanted to write all of this in my journal, but I can't seem to find it. ): Once mid June hits (which is really, really soon), it'll look like this: 2 summer classes, 1 or 2 jobs, sasc si, bgirling, the piano, and drawing = epiccc.


I had dinner with Suny today at Chocolate Sushi, and I thought this would be great for him.(:

jimmy eat world - 23

i felt for sure last night that once we said goodbye
no one else will know these lonely dreams
no one else will know that part of me
i'm still driving away and i'm sorry everyday
i won't always love these selfish things
i won't always live, not stopping ...
it was my time to decide
i knew this was our time
no one else will have me like you do
no one else will have me, only you.
you'll sit alone forever if you wait for the right time.
what are you hoping for?
i'm here, i'm now, i'm ready, holding on tight.
don't give away the end, the one thing that stays mine.

sweet disposition.

I can honestly say that you have been one of the best things that ever happened to me.

I never realized how fast you can meet, become friends, become more than friends, suddenly fall in love, and then have your heart broken with someone. I did it all in less than a year. Emily? In love? I can hardly believe it myself, but I know what my heart feels. How to explain it ... I don't know. All I know is that it's the first time I've ever felt this unconditional about something, someone.

It's easy for me to fight for this. It has always been easy for me to put up with pain and just cry inside. One thing I've learned the past few years is how to hold onto the things that are worth fighting for. Holding on to the things that you want to put meaning into the "meant to be's." But after these past few days, I realized that sometimes, I need to let go.

Not because it's not worth it. Not because I deserve better. Not because I don't care. Not because I'm giving up.

The cliche saying goes, "If you love something, let it go." I never really understood that until now. Until I've experienced it. I'm letting go because I look at you and see that I can't hold your hand through this beautiful struggle, despite how much I want to. I can't try to make things work when I know you're not ready. And I can't expect you to put up with my pain all the time, because I know it hurts you to see me in the state I am knowing you're the one doing it.

We may grow without each other side by side, but I can't help but hope it doesn't grow us apart. A part of me already knows what I want. But I guess I have to be okay with the unknown. For now, I'll just cry my heart out until I can't cry anymore. Because I know I'm going to be okay. Time heals. And it won't be so bittersweet anymore. It'll be a sweet disposition. <3

ahahahahahah.

I've been feeling like a complete idiot lately.

don't let me fall.

"I was shooting for stars on a Saturday night. They say what goes up, must come down, but don't let me fall ..."

I wrote a letter that I will never give. Because sometimes, you write things you wish you could say. Because sometimes, you need to remind yourself the reason why you're doing the things you do. Because sometimes, you just need to. You just need to see it before you eyes, the words that will consume you and tell you that this is it, because it is it. So you can pretend that things are going to be okay, so that you can just let go, so that you can stop trying to fix things, and instead, let everything fall into place. And if it doesn't, well ... I don't know what you would do. I guess I just gotta hope for it to not fall apart.

metric - collect call

If the fire's out baby, how you gonna keep me warm?
Supposing you let me, with the door wide open no one can leave.
I know it's a lie. I want it to be true.
The rest of the ride is riding on you.
Over goodbyes we'll buy some place for wishing you could ... keep me closer.
I'm a lazy dancer.
When you move, I move with you.

there are no breaks in life.

that's why we run away.
that's our way of taking a break.
of letting go.
so let go, so let go.
just get in.
oh, it's so amazing here.
it's alright,
cause
there's
beauty
in
the
break
down.

homework distractions.

There are times I know you question my past.
You rummage through the mess,
In hopes to find a face that matches names I murmur in my sleep.
But you find nothing.
No hints, no pictures, no physical belongings
For I leave no trace of past lovers & flings;
For those are the things I keep in a box,
Buried beneath my present day.
But listen to me;
Listen to my voice.
Listen to my stories.
There you find my memories.
There you find names that used to bring a smile to face.
There you find my heart countlessly broken,
Countlessly hoping after hope.
I need not show the world the what-used-to-be's;
I need not show the pain;
I just need an open heart to take in mine.
So let's forget it all.
Let's forget it all.

set yourself on fire

"Out there amongst the waves and inside your lover's head, there is only one thing ... 20 years asleep before we sleep forever."

As I approach the end of this week, I must say that it's been one of the toughest I've had to deal with in a long time. Things were just piling up from the very start, and seriously, the pile is still being piled. I would list all the bullshit, but why do I need to be a whiny child and complain? Tough it out, Emily, tough it out. With that being said, I have a 6-8 page paper due at 11am, and guess what?! I have yet to start it. On the other hand, the ADD pill is, in a sense, is currently helping me stay up.

Listening to Stars is helping me relax; I just love listening to old favorites and remember how fascinated I was when I was first introduced to indie back in '03. It was one step deeper into a new genre of music, which then open the doors to even greater music out there. I don't think I'd be that open to different kinds of music if it weren't for my passionate love for indie to begin with. How different I would be, too. But enough about that. Let's set ourselves on fire and show the world that nothing can stop us from shining bright.

aerosmith - jaded

Listening to the old stuff.

"In all it's misery it will always be what I love ... and hated."

It's not that I don't want this.
It's just that at some point,
I feel like I'm going to lose it.
I don't know what you want from me.
And sometimes, I don't know what I am to you.
I'm not a concept.
I can't complete you.
And I can't make you feel alive.
I'm just a fucked up girl looking for my own peace of mind.
I know what I'm waiting for,
I just don't know if I'm gonna get it.

I Am, I Will.

I am a bgirl.
Throw me some beats and I've got toprocks, pin drops, six steps that won't stop.
I don't stop.
My footwork keeps going with intricate movements, implanting my marks to the floor telling everyone that
I am a dancer.
I move to beats but even so,
I am not to be moved.
I stand with my feet rooted to the ground and when I walk,
I walk with my head held high, holding hope in my hands
Knowing that as rough as it gets, I won't back down
I am loud.
With my strong lungs, I shout with my soul;
I'll let you know that you can't change me for
I am spiritually eternal.
I am like a phoenix of fire, scinitillating light that blind your eyes
Flying high to show the world that I can't be pulled down.
That's right, my backbone keeps me up, I won't give up for
I am educated to know that give up doesn't belong in my dictionary.
And I know that I can't be defined by a fucken label or stereotype;
Yeah, just 'cause I'm Asian doesn't mean I can't drive.
Wait ... I'm not Asian.
I am Southeast Asian.
And I'm a representation for the underrepresented,
The jar that holds war stories in my heart.
I am the present tense of my parents' past,
And I make our history, our culture known to my society, my community, my people,
For my people will make movements happen.
And if you don't believe me, watch.
I will make it happen.

broken social scene - swimmers

"If you always get up late, you're never gonna be on time, and that's a shame, 'cause I like you ... I never see you."

so this is the new year.

I don't know why we think of the new year as a time to "start over." A few simple numbers have determined where this invisible line has been drawn to mark a chance for "change" and "freshness". It's kind of funny actually. Nonetheless, I did set some resolutions for myself. I decided to approach it differently this year though. These resolutions are set with intentions of helping me embrace the life I'm currently learning to live. I know for a fact that if I follow these resolutions, perhaps I can breathe beauty. So ... why not?

1. Save up for a camera. I lost my point and shoot at Lovefest so now would be the perfect opportunity to get myself a new one. And besides, pictures are an epitome of memories.

2. Carry my journal wherever I can. I always heard of people who carry a little notepad with them everywhere they go in order to sketch a moment or write down a euphoric thought. I'd like to partake in this activity.

3. Draw. After taking Art my senior year of high school, my love for it spread like wild fire. But I don't think I ever give myself the time or the self-motivation to draw what's in my head. The vast amount of scenes and creatures and moments that have been created in my mind should be relocated to a place that's visible and physical.

4. Skate & Bgirl. I just want to make it clear that I don't want to give up on these activities like I did with other things after a short period of time. Ever since middle school, these two activities were on my "Things I Want to Do" list, but I never got the chance. And I never thought I'd ever be able to see this day, but here I am doing somethang about it.

5. Plan for school. This one is a little bit more about the rigorous part of life. But it's my future, and I guess I just got to put in the work in order to know where I'm heading.

All I can say is let's make it happen. As for now, a few pictures taken with Tran's mom's camera, which I'm borrowing throughout the break. I'm having quite a blast as I productively fill my day with somethang. Anythang, really.

Kevin Panelo's awesome bartending skills.

DJ Snare's awesome djing skills.

Am I cute? Am I, am I, am i ?

Starbucks with Jasona